Fears of the Future I see in the light.

So, I've been caught red handed. My mom found out about my depression issues, and my eating disorder. I'm "getting help" now. I don't want it, but that's what I'm getting. :/ Idk what to do. Its like being naked in some wide open desert. There's no more comfort of falling back into my almost bf's arms when he's there (because he leaves all the time). I got rid of him. I guess. It's for the best, but I still love him. He's still my everything. I still need him. I hate him because I love him and won't have him and I need to learn that. Idk. :/ In the desert there's this burning bright light. It's so scary, but, there's something about it. It seems like a good and horrible thing. I don't know if I should go through. I don't know where I'll end up. I don't know who I'll become. I  don't know what I'll do... I don't know if I want to do anything. Honestly, I'd rather die. I have less to live for than I have to die for, and I'm scared. I'm terrified. I've been stripped naked. I'm not hiding under anything anymore, because I can't. It was like... Do you know how you'd hide under the covers when you were little, because you were afraid of the monsters coming to get you? There were monsters in the closet, and there were monsters under the bed and behind the chair and just sitting there by the door and they all wanted your destruction. You would want to come out of the covers again, but you couldn't, because the monsters would get you. The longer you stayed there, the more you wanted to leave, but the more safe you felt you were there. I was hiding under my blanket and I guess someone finally pulled the covers back and I feel so exposed and... alone. I feel truly alone. I'm so scared, not really of being diagnosed with things, or being helped, but of the future, and who I'll become.