Longer than long (sorry)

It's been a while since I posted. I'm sorry everyone. Even if you don't read this at all, I'm sorry for not cluttering your life with my pointless rantings :]P I guess for me things have been a mix. My almost bf asked me out and became my real bf again, (<33333) but he's making me stop smoking weed, which will b weird seeing as that's my coping method now. I went to warped tour and saw Black Veil Brides live (rockin dude!) and got into an advanced showing of Harry Potter, but all while being fat because I still have to eat. I'm generally exaughsted and stressed out because of lack of sleep and dealing with reality. I'm a mix. How are all of you? I hope you're days are all better than even my best ones

Love

Echo <3

A slightly Ana-rific day

I had an apple for breakfast, (negative calories) and I slept.
I had an emotional breakdown, broke my landline phone, and the cabinet door in my bathroom as well as nearly made my knuckles bleed and collapsed on my bathroom floor.
I had a shower and couldn't look down. I couldn't let myself touch the shaving razor even though it was looking right at me, tempting me, telling me it would be better if I did.
I had 30 cals. of soup for lunch.
I had a 4 hour rehearsal.
I had and ENTIRE footlong subway veggie delight and frozen yogurt. Cuz I'm gross.
I hate recovery. Fuck it. I give up on it. I hadn't even started. It was only thoughts. I give up on those thoughts, I don't want this in between shit anymore.

Better?

Should I get better? Should I turn my life from wanting to be skinny to wanting to be healthy? How would I do it if I did? Do I even want to get better? Do I even deserve to get better? Should I get better?

And those are just a few of my recovery related questions. I want to but I don't. I want to loose weight, and I am scared to gain it and such. I still don't like the feeling of full very much, I like the feeling of empty. I want to be happy and get better but I also am still terrified of gaining and I don't see myself as beautiful or good enough even for myself. I don't know what to do. I'm so lost. I think I'm going to try and get better. I'm not sure. I want to, but I don't. Gur!

Hey, if anyone actually reads this and has opinons, please comment and let me know. Should I get better?

Full of Blood Red Juice

So I got home from the pool I refused to swim at and I was in a very bad mood. Seeing as all the suits I have are the bikinis my mom supports me wearing, I obviously didn't want to show off all 138 of my disgusting un-toned lbs. I sat there and read for a bit, then walked home. When I got home, they were sitting there. Washed, and freshly bought from Whole Foods (aka, ED hell and binge heaven). A big white bowl of fresh cherries. I decided one wouldn't hurt. Then two. Okay, so ten is enough. 20? OMG WTF! I ate like 30 of them probably. Afterwards, I was in a better mood. I guess I was dehydrated and lacking in vitamins? New note to self, pick up some vitamins at the store. Drink more water. At least (thank god) Cherries have negative calories. I don't think I want to eat anymore today though. Too bad I have to as long as I live in this house. :/

Love,
Echo

Ellipitcal. Is that the name of a God?

So today, I went for half an hour on the elliptical. Best half hour of my day. I'm still getting fatter because my parents are always feeding me and watching me eat. My scale said 138. I don't trust it. It's old and has dementia and has 0 clue of what it's saying. I'm fat and disgusting and all this eating is only getting in my way. I can't do this every day. From now on, it's fruit and black coffee in the morning and light eating all day with exercise. I wish that they had never found out. I'd be somewhere near 132 now I'm sure. I'm so ashamed. I'm just a fat ball of failure. :/ I hope your days are better than mine.

Love,
Echo