Fears of the Future I see in the light.

So, I've been caught red handed. My mom found out about my depression issues, and my eating disorder. I'm "getting help" now. I don't want it, but that's what I'm getting. :/ Idk what to do. Its like being naked in some wide open desert. There's no more comfort of falling back into my almost bf's arms when he's there (because he leaves all the time). I got rid of him. I guess. It's for the best, but I still love him. He's still my everything. I still need him. I hate him because I love him and won't have him and I need to learn that. Idk. :/ In the desert there's this burning bright light. It's so scary, but, there's something about it. It seems like a good and horrible thing. I don't know if I should go through. I don't know where I'll end up. I don't know who I'll become. I  don't know what I'll do... I don't know if I want to do anything. Honestly, I'd rather die. I have less to live for than I have to die for, and I'm scared. I'm terrified. I've been stripped naked. I'm not hiding under anything anymore, because I can't. It was like... Do you know how you'd hide under the covers when you were little, because you were afraid of the monsters coming to get you? There were monsters in the closet, and there were monsters under the bed and behind the chair and just sitting there by the door and they all wanted your destruction. You would want to come out of the covers again, but you couldn't, because the monsters would get you. The longer you stayed there, the more you wanted to leave, but the more safe you felt you were there. I was hiding under my blanket and I guess someone finally pulled the covers back and I feel so exposed and... alone. I feel truly alone. I'm so scared, not really of being diagnosed with things, or being helped, but of the future, and who I'll become.

So I can get onto the prettythin.com page

<a href="http://www.prettythin.com/" mce_href="http://www.prettythin.com/">PrettyThin</a>

1st Real Entry: Pretty > Happy

Pretty IS greater than happy. In all honesty. When it comes down to it. At some point, we all get tangled up in pretty. Some of us come out okay. We just buy some makeup and a tee-shirt from Hollister, start wearing our hair the same way and playing all the same sports and happy. Some of us do not come out okay at all. We slowly and slowly deteriorate. We never find ourselves to be good enough. We never see ourselves as beautiful or worthy. We keep starving, restricting, binging, purging, and hurting. We aren't happy, not until we reach our smallest possible size. Even then we aren't happy. We lie to ourselves about happiness. Happiness is not true. So for us, beauty's outcasts, Ana and Mia and EDNOS's children, Happiness < Prettiness. Skinny is everything. Smiles are fake. Pretty is all that matters. The number goes down and our hopes go up. That's all. The numbers. There's always numbers. The number of calories in a piece of food lets you know if you can eat it. If it's over 100, it's probably not going in my mouth. If I burn less than 100 at the gym I failed. If the number on the scale goes up, I failed. If the number goes down, it isn't enough. There's never enough. There's never small enough, good enough, pretty enough. Even when you want there to be. And that is what happens to those of us who don't make it out of beauty's tangled web. Beauty is a monster.

Sincerely.
Echo.

Hello, Call me a n00b?

So this is my first post on my blog. I'm new at this. So let me start by saying I appologize, I don't know how this will come out. I guess I'll use this to describe my situation. I'm 15 years old. I'm going into my Junior year of High School. I'm really friendly and I love to help people. When I go to college I'll be studying to be a guidance councilor. I guess what they say about people becoming therapists and psychologists and the like is true: that they have a troubled past. I live with and ED (eating disorder). It's not easy but that's how things are. I have yet to be tested, but I'm fairly certain I'm bipolar too. I'm not here to complain. This is more like my online public viewing diary. I will be changing people's names as they are mentioned so no, none of the names are correct. (<<<Disclaimer XD <<<) I hope that you don't have to deal with what I do and that if you do you can relate and know you aren't alone. <3

Stay beautiful my lovely followers (even though I have none as of yet)

Sincerely, Echo